Do You Have Abandonment Issues?

Trust me, no one ever thinks they have abandonment issues. Everyone thinks they’re this independent, focused person that doesn’t need anyone in their lives. However, abandonment issues are more common than you may think. Let me paint a picture for you and see how much of it you relate with:

As a kid growing up, your parents always unintentionally told you to suppress your emotions with stuff like “ you’re a man, men don’t cry,” or “ as a girl, you can’t play as hard as guys on the playground,” and so on. In African culture, we’re quick to regard this to be everyday parenting. But the truth of the matter is that this creates a massive sense of emotional abandonment.

Or maybe it’s not emotional abandonment. Maybe you lost a parent or sibling as a kid, and you haven’t been able to recover since. You always feel that when someone gets close to you, they’ll leave one day, and you may not be able to handle it.

For you to determine if you’re experiencing some symptoms of abandonment, here are a few other instances that can cause you to develop abandonment issues:

• Your parents not allowing you to make mistakes. They expect everything you do to be perfect.
• Parents neglecting you until you do something “worthy” of praise.
• Comparing you to your peers. I mean, we’ve all heard the infamous quote, “does your mate have two heads?”

The main point is that abandonment issues come up when parents, elder siblings, or even caretakers neglect their children and don’t provide them with positive interactions. Instead, they are quick to criticize their child for any single mistake they make.

This would leave the child in a considerable state of panic and fear while interacting with people. They would often go out of their way to make people comfortable and see abandonment as a sign of rejection and failure.

There are two main types of abandonment issues, and they are:

1. Avoidant Attachment Style

If you’re in this category, you don’t allow anyone to get close to you. You justify this with a flimsy and generic reason like, “ I can’t trust anyone, not even people I just meet.”

This makes you appear distant and uninterested to a lot of people, and they tend to withdraw. Their withdrawal makes you feel even more rejected and can send you down the rabbit hole of depression.

2. Anxious Attachment style

This is the type of abandonment issue that a lot of children raised in African homes exhibit. They get so close to someone that the thought of them leaving their lives sends them in a frenzy and state of panic.

They would do anything to retain this party in their lives, and I mean anything. I witnessed someone fake being kidnapped for four days straight to string along his ex. When conflicts happen, you will tend to suppress your own feelings in order to please your partner or the other party.

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That said, if you’re exhibiting symptoms of these, I reckon you get some help to cope with the situation fast:

• Being jealous of others relationships
• Giving too much and receiving nothing
• It’s challenging to feel intimate with someone
• Wanting to control or be controlled by another party
• Feeling insecure all the time
• Finding it hard to trust your partner’s intentions.

Treating Abandonment Issues: What to Do

The first thing for you to do in order to successfully treat abandonment issues is to find your “trigger.” I bet you most likely already know what made you develop these abandonment issues. Identifying it would make it so much easier to treat at therapy sessions.

Also, communicate with your partner. Try to communicate your fears and insecurities with them in a calm manner.

Lastly, please practice self-care. You’re a person too, just like the people you’re feeling attached to. Your main goal is not to please them, nor will your life end if they leave. You can never really guarantee if a person would leave your life or not, so going to extreme lengths to keep them would definitely not make them stay if they don’t want to.